Thursday, 25 February 2021

I Suffer From Chronic Loneliness.

 

I can sit here in almost compete silence. Alone.

I’ll lock onto the neighbours’ hum of their car as they drive out of the driveway, to the end of the street, around the corner and up the next street and which direction they are going until I can no longer hear it.  

I’ll ask google what’s the weather tomorrow at least twice as I wasn’t listening the first time.

I walk around my home, looking at the mess that although seems to be getting smaller but is actually getting bigger.

I brush my teeth, do my hair, apply my lippy and head to work, where I plaster on a fake smile and pretend every single second that I am happy. The drive to work I cry. The drive home I am in too much pain to feel anything.

“Hey Google, play remixed 90s songs” “ok.. here is the playlist – remixed songs from the 90s” I walk around the growing mess. The unvacuumed floor, the pile of dishes in the sink and think about watering the plants.

Washing my face with cold water, or am I just wiping away the tears.

The feel of the shower as the hot slowly runs out pouring over my sunburnt skin.

The cool fan tingling the droplets as I lay on my fluffy sheets as I snuggle into my pillows.

I relive conversations from yesterday, today, October and what will be said tomorrow.

My eyes are heavy and want to close, but I don’t want to miss something that wont in reality happen.

Wanting to tell my stories too, my highs and the few lows that surround me.

I feel my sole has gone with my now ex best friend. Taken away my smile.

No matter how many times I look at social media, nothing makes me double tap. And the pages I want to see have been blocked by Facebook. And what I can see – upsets me.

I wish I could go for a walk, but it’s late and well… I don’t live in a safe environment. And to be honest – I wouldn’t go for a walk anyway. It would mean getting off the bed, dressed, putting on feet prisons and all of that is not worth the hassle.

So, I lay here in silence.

Looking at the moon and the shadows it casts through the night sky and clouds.  

I seek comfort in my pets. Knowing they love me practically unconditionally.

Knowing that I will be packing the car again for another adventure, but not knowing when.

I can hear the clock tick my life away.

Chronic loneliness - it is a thing and I have it, now.