I can sit here in almost compete silence. Alone.
I’ll lock onto the neighbours’ hum of their car as they
drive out of the driveway, to the end of the street, around the corner and up
the next street and which direction they are going until I can no longer hear
it.
I’ll ask google what’s the weather tomorrow at least twice
as I wasn’t listening the first time.
I walk around my home, looking at the mess that although
seems to be getting smaller but is actually getting bigger.
I brush my teeth, do my hair, apply my lippy and head to
work, where I plaster on a fake smile and pretend every single second that I am
happy. The drive to work I cry. The drive home I am in too much pain to feel anything.
“Hey Google, play remixed 90s songs” “ok.. here is the playlist
– remixed songs from the 90s” I walk around the growing mess. The unvacuumed
floor, the pile of dishes in the sink and think about watering the plants.
Washing my face with cold water, or am I just wiping away
the tears.
The feel of the shower as the hot slowly runs out pouring
over my sunburnt skin.
The cool fan tingling the droplets as I lay on my fluffy sheets
as I snuggle into my pillows.
I relive conversations from yesterday, today, October and
what will be said tomorrow.
My eyes are heavy and want to close, but I don’t want to miss
something that wont in reality happen.
Wanting to tell my stories too, my highs and the few lows
that surround me.
I feel my sole has gone with my now ex best friend. Taken
away my smile.
No matter how many times I look at social media, nothing
makes me double tap. And the pages I want to see have been blocked by Facebook.
And what I can see – upsets me.
I wish I could go for a walk, but it’s late and well… I don’t
live in a safe environment. And to be honest – I wouldn’t go for a walk anyway.
It would mean getting off the bed, dressed, putting on feet prisons and all of
that is not worth the hassle.
So, I lay here in silence.
Looking at the moon and the shadows it casts through the
night sky and clouds.
I seek comfort in my pets. Knowing they love me practically unconditionally.
Knowing that I will be packing the car again for another
adventure, but not knowing when.
I can hear the clock tick my life away.
Chronic loneliness - it is a thing and I have it, now.
